Monica v. Satan
How Lewinsky fought evil, then got fat

Monica Lewinsky was Jesus Christ. The proof is that during the scandal that bore her name, no bad things happened in the United States. As soon as Bill Clinton was let off the hook and Monica left the stage, we had the War in Yugoslavia, the Littleton High School Massacre, the Oklahoma Tornadoes, the New Orleans Bus Disaster, and the Iowa Flood. There is only one explanation: Monica, like Christ, took unto herself all the evil energy of this nation and we had peace. The media crucified her and the American public stoned her, but she held on with perkiness and steadfastness and delivered us for nearly three years from the works of Satan.

See also...
... by Andrei Codrescu
... in the Dirt section
... from August 4, 1999

The question is: Are Monica's magical powers spent or is she capable of resurrecting and bringing tedium, uneventfulness, and peace on earth again? The chances are remote. Since her departure from center stage, she's been gaining weight. One can hardly imagine what Christ might have done if instead of dying on the cross, he had gained weight. If one is to survive the passions of this world, one should watch one's diet. Look at Mick Jagger, another Christ-like figure. Many years ago, a feminist radical planned to castrate Mick in order to render him fat. The plan failed and Mick survives.

Monica has also written a book, something Christ didn't do, preferring to let Mathew, John, Luke, and Mark write it for him. True, Monica let Andrew Morton take down her words, but Morton is no evangelist. In Christ's time, the media consisted of town criers and story tellers, many of them illiterate. Amazingly, he managed to find four great writers to represent him. You'd think that in a world rife with Carl Bernsteins and Ted Morgans, Monica might have gotten a whole slew of them to carry forth her story. As it is, the Lewinsky/Morton Gospel may remainder before its time, which is a shame given the potential for good it doubtlessly contains.

There is another difference between Christ's and Monica's times. Back then, the sins of the world could be handled by one God and one Son, because they consisted mostly of (badly publicized) transgressions of the Ten Commandments, plus natural disasters and wars too primitive to aspire to genocide. In our time (AM, After Monica), sins are more complex, more numerous, and more technologically advanced. It is entirely possible that our times require many Christs to redeem the world, and that Monica is only one in a series of Christs. Andy Warhol wasn't around during Christ's time, so Christ had a couple of thousand years to spread his message instead of the PW (post-Warhol) 15 minutes. Monica may well be the Warholian 15 Minute Christ. Be that as it may, she has done her job. Now who do we turn to?

Maybe Ally McBeal?

Andrei Codrescu was born in Transylvania and lives in New Orleans. His latest books are Messi@h: A Novel (Simon and Schuster) and Ay, Cuba!: A Socio-Erotic Journey (St. Martin's Press). He is the editor of Exquisite Corpse: A Journal of Life & Letters.