As Johnny Goes Marching Off
War means action for women, too
Published August 3, 1999 in Scope

War. What is it good for? It's good for getting rid of your man. Say it again. Sure, he may not come back, but if you're honest with yourself you know that he might not return every time he walks out the door. Except now you can be sure of it -- at least for a little while. Here's your chance to go out and do all the things you dreamed about doing each night he slept next to you.

See also...
... by Whorella
... in the Scope section
... from August 3, 1999

Let's start with that, sleeping -- with anyone you want (and you all have your eye on someone, you can't lie to Whorella). To assuage your guilt after you've done the deed, just hire a therapist -- any therapist will do -- who will blame your "vulnerability" on "stress" after you confess that you went and "found comfort in another man's arms" because you miss your own so badly. It's beautiful.

We have come a long way, baby. This is a war after the second wave of feminism. We dames are free from having to be decent to you men, who have been such dicks to us since the dawn of misery. So ladies, while your boyfriends/husbands are off in Europe, you officially have permission from Whorella to bed any guy (or gal) you want.

But why stop there? Charge up his credit cards, redecorate the house, get a tattoo, or, if you wanna see if he really loves you, put on some weight. Start working on gaining 50 pounds so there's more of you to love when he gets back. "Oh, the stress of missing him so... Why, yes, I will have another bonbon."

Sorry. This isn't funny. What's a soldier's worst nightmare? That his sweetheart is back in the states living the good life, balling every guy in town while he's up to his eyelashes in blood and mud. So, to you "good" women, who are fuming right now, thinking that I've included you with the typical female swine, don't worry. I know you would never dream of cheating on your lover in such perilous times. Absence makes your precious heart grow fonder.

Right! Just wait until he's back home and you realize you've missed your chance, good lady! And suppose your man has to stay over there for six months or a year. You think married GIs don't hump poontang to prove to the boys what big men they are? If not, you watched way too much M*A*S*H, sister.

Sure, there's no sex in war.

I watched soldiers being interviewed about whether women should be allowed in combat. They said they thought not, because women would be too much of a distraction -- because they'd be thinking about having sex with them all the time. In a tank.

Too bad women can't serve in other ways. We could volunteer to be in the U.S. Whore Corps. (I hear the foreign legion has such a thing, but that's the French for you.) Women could go over and make a little love to these boys; give them something to live for. You could line up all the men and we'd pick the ones we wanted -- sort of like picking teams in gym class.

Just dreamin' out loud. Sorry.

War. Horrible, isn't it? Sending your lovin' man off to a strange country, wondering if you'll ever see him again. How horrible it is all depends on your man, eh? But if he's like any I've known, you won't be missing him for too long. Or her. Women are reservists, too. I assume they suck in equal proportion to men. In fact, boys, if your woman is going off to war, drop Whorella a line. I know some war games they've never heard of, even in the military.

Whorella is a high school dropout, convicted felon, former junkie, mud wrestler, welfare mother, Mensa member and award-winning writer from Pittsburgh.