Police State Of The Art
For the cop who has everything

Remember the excitement you felt running your hand down the barrel of a new weapon; how you caressed its silken sheen, salivated over its freshly-oiled smell, and fondled the rounded cartridge ends that strangely reminded you of Meg Ryan? Now you can rekindle the dreams that soiled your Kevlar shorts as you browse through this catalogue of the latest law enforcement goodies, each guaranteed to give you balls of steel.

See also...
... by Sherman M. Fridman
... in the Scope section
... from October 6, 1999

Just the thing to pull out of your arsenal the next time the call is for non-lethal chemical intervention. This specially-developed gas is quick-dispersing and can instantly paralyze anyone who inhales it. The paralysis lasts for up to 20 minutes. Designed for crowd control as well as for apprehending terrorists, the gas can be discharged from a remote location to incapacitate individuals and groups covertly and almost instantaneously. Whether you use it on an individual target or on an entire roomful of people, they won't know what hit 'em. Remember, that's 20 minutes of playtime -- and the "perps" won't be able to remember a thing.

ITEM 2. XM37 Riot Control Disperser
This handy item is specially designed to dispense NCI Gas or any chemical agent. Initially designed to protect individual soldiers in crowd control operations, it consists of two tanks: a tank that can hold up to 48 liquid ounces of riot agent, and a pressurized air tank that draws the agent out through the spray nozzle. Use it to segregate belligerents, on hostage rescue missions, or to clear out the line at your local grocery. No need to carry any fancy equipment: The tank is pressurized with a standard tire-inflation system. When not in use, this baby can also be used to carry and dispense your favorite adult beverage. Just fill up the tank, activate the pressure cylinder, and it's Miller Time.

ITEM 3. Tactical Search Mirror
Designed to increase the viewing capability of law enforcement personnel while minimizing risks of exposure to dangerous situations, this mirror lets you search for explosives or other dangerous devices over walls, under cars, and around corners and doors. They're perfect for catching even the most discreet celebrity "weenie waggers" in public rest rooms. These mirrors are available in either individual pocket types, or security types for large-area-viewing. Optional features such as telescopic extension, integrated illumination, and multi-angle viewing capability provide you with more fun surveillance opportunities.

ITEM 4. Bike Patrol Shorts and Padded Short Liner
Tired of being the butt of locker room jokes? Then holster your "lethal weapon" in these jaunty padded short liners. They provide great hip and thigh support, while the oversized crotch pad will make you the envy of the squad room. Lined with reflective trim, the matching bike patrol shorts even have a rear pocket placed high so you won't end up sitting on the contents... especially handy when it's your turn to "collect" for the captain.

ITEM 5. Unobtrusive Aerial Vehicle
Why let the military have all the fun? You won't have to when your department owns its very own unmanned, remote-controlled aircraft. Virtually silent, and with helicopter-like hovering capability, these miniature Saddam-blasters can be equipped with long-range video monitoring devices to clandestinely record the movement of persons, vehicles, and that blonde on the 16th floor who never closes her drapes. You can even equip these unobtrusive aerial vehicles to disperse incapacitating gas over large areas; it'll quiet an unruly crowd better than a Yanni concert.

ITEM 6. Explosives-Handling Robots
You'll never run out of uses for this handy item. New and improved, these remote-controlled robots have increased carrying capacity (to transport heavy packages of explosives) along with enhanced dexterity (to pick up and handle all sorts of smaller items). Two-way communication capability through speakers and microphones have been built into the unit so you're not restricted to using a telephone. Plus, they can climb stairs, so you won't have to. These robots are designed to take a hit, in and out of the line of duty, so next time you're home late after an "all-night stakeout," send the robot to your old lady's door with a bouquet of flowers in its highly dexterous hand -- until she's safely defused.

ITEM 7. Swivel Handcuff Keys
Be the envy of all the guys and gals down at the station with your own set of swivel handcuff keys -- personalized with your state's seal in full color! Not only is this a handy Christmas stocking stuffer, it'll help you identify which keys are yours when you've put the bad guys away after those multi-task-force raids. Be sure to specify your state when ordering or, to freak out the guys, get one from another state and say you've been offered a big fat transfer fee.

ITEM 8. Invincible Battery
Just because you're not invincible doesn't mean that your battery can't be. This new bulletproof battery is made out of thin sheets of plasticized film and suitable for life on the streets. These batteries can be cut and shaped any way you want. And to increase battery life all you have to do is add more layers of the charged battery-film. Since each sheet is about the thickness of household plastic wrap, you won't need to worry about carrying around a bulky battery pack. If the battery takes a bullet, there's a small flash at the point of impact but, since the damage is localized, the battery continues to operate. Too bad you won't be able to say that about the rest of you.

Sherman Fridman is a freelance writer and novelist who views contemporary issues from a unique perspective.