Marilyn's Rules
Finding love, the Manson way
Published September 30, 1999 in Dirt

Great minds think alike. The authors of the best-seller The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right have enlisted shock rocker Marilyn Manson to co-write their follow up effort, The New Rules: Love in the Millennium of the Antichrist.

See also...
... in the Dirt section
... from September 30, 1999

With the earth's fiery reckoning mere months away, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider decided it was time to retool their homespun advice and chose Manson, that troubled troubadour of oblivion, to help spread their gospel to the Columbine generation.

The New Rules moves well beyond its predecessor's gentle wisdom of "Be Honest but Mysterious" and "Always End Phone Calls First." Although it won't be on shelves until next month, excerpts have been made available to select media outlets.

NEW RULE #66: Dating the Darklord

Beelzebub is not your run-of-the-mill fellow. For starters, he pukes brimstone and pisses sulfuric acid. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake.

A life in Hades can be gloomy and morose. The Prince of Evil needs a chipper and cheerful kind of New Rules succubus to brighten up his day and cool the inferno of his nights. Don't complain about his friends, even if you are tired of socializing with Idi Amin and Adolph Hitler. Don't tell him that horns and a tail remind you of your ex-boyfriend. If he celebrates your two-week anniversary with a tank ride around Tiannamen Square, so be it. And if he serves human flesh at Thanksgiving, hey, at least your relatives will get plenty of protein.

Dreamy though he may be, Satan is still the Great Deceiver, making him virtually incapable of a serious commitment. If he tells you that he'll take care of your cat while you are out of town, he's probably going to stick your poor pussy in a microwave and feed the remains to a transient before setting him on fire.

But remember, once you've snagged Mr. Wrong it won't be long before the pitter-patter of little hooves is echoing throughout the underworld. Just sign here.

NEW RULE #31: Don't Pay For Sex on the First Date

The sex industry is full of attractive, single men. Some of them are even heterosexual, but your chances of achieving a committed, fulfilling relationship with a guy who wears chaps and calls himself Crystal are minimal at best. Enjoy the evening: Spend $50 if you have to, but only on drugs you can share.

If Prince Charming starts frothing at the mouth or has a coronary in the fleabag hotel room you've rented, tell him politely, but firmly, "You're making me ill." If he passes out, break a bottle over his head, crush up the shards into tiny pieces and make him snort it off an old Black Sabbath album. Mock him for his inability to achieve an erection. If he ever wakes up you should get a refund on the drugs, or at the very least sloppy seconds.

Life on the street can be a vicious cycle of drug abuse and cruelty. The dumpsters, the cardboard shoes and the viral infections can really take their toll on a budding courtship. Whatever you do stand by your man, even if he is a pre-operative transsexual with a mysterious skin ailment. A New Rules girl doesn't just put her trash out in the street, ladies. She marries it.

NEW RULE #55: Is He Metal?

So you've met a nice guy. He can handle his drugs and only has Hepatitis A. He's respiratory most of the time and never passes out on his back if he feels like throwing up. So far, so good. Now what kind of music does he listen to?

Is he some layered-hair Guido with "Love To Love You Baby" on permanent rotation on the 8-track in his Camaro? Is he a college-aged shoe-gazer with Elvis Costello glasses and a well-founded inferiority complex? Perhaps he's a nipple-pierced raver capable of hearing the same beat for five hours straight but never quite being able to dance to it?

Girls, whatever look he aspires to, if it isn't heavy metal, you're just wasting valuable time. Metal guys always have large penises, even if they wear women's clothes. Metal guys are considerate and will always get up by noon to take their girlfriends to work at the massage parlor. And they have great big hair.

Pamela Anderson Lee, Rose McGowan, and Pamela Des Barres are just a few of the lucky New Rules ladies who found themselves the heavy metal fellows of their dreams. Some nights they even shared the same one! All it took was enormous breasts and a vast capacity for enduring spousal abuse.

Let's face it -- metal rules, the New Rules rule, and New Rules girls rule metal. Rock on!

NEW RULE #99: Don't Overlook Death

What do William Shakespeare, William S. Burroughs and William F. Buckley, Jr. all have in common? Most of them are dead. That's why they make ideal husbands. If you manage to bag one of the above mentioned Willies you'll never spend another sleepless night wondering where your significant other is or calling everyone you know at 6 a.m. to see if your boyfriend is passed out on their front porch.

Death is only a state of mind. Not a very exciting one, but a state of mind nevertheless. And like all mental processes, it should be regularly altered through drug abuse, pornography, and witchcraft. It also helps if you have some records by Slayer and a pre-pubescent virgin to sacrifice.

The New Rules on mortality are very clear -- don't knock it until you've tried it. When a New Rules girl sees maggots crawling out of her man's eye-sockets, she sees a man who won't be ogling every pretty young thing that saunters by. She sees a man who won't cost a fortune in haircuts and manicures either.

Let's face it ladies, the Antichrist has triumphed through the sheer force of His will over death. The very least that you can do is get out there and live a little! And tell them Marilyn sent you.


By Junior Downey
Junior Downey is the author of
Greedy Media: The Blind Leading the Retarded and a past recipient of the PEN/Faulkner award for bad writing.