Jesus is coming -- and boy is he pissed!

For some, that's both bumper sticker and ongoing anxiety, as fear of the Second Coming tints standard-issue Y2K paranoia with religious overtones. Sure, some end-of-the-millennium worries are well grounded. (Everyone, EVERYONE, will need a new calendar.) But as the century ticks down, religious technophobes are even more gullible than the average schmoe on the street worrying that Y2K glitches will somehow affect marital aids, vibrators, cock rings, and breast implants.

Christian Y2K Fears	Non-Christian Y2K fears
Death, Famine, Pestilence, War	Hooters will stop accepting my credit card.
The End of the World	Suits from "Botany 2000" will no longer impress anybody!
Eternal Damnation	Change of year will instantaneously outdate all those cool re-runs of Space: 1999.

Every time someone brings up an authoritative technology-based warning about Y2K, say "That's not true." It's impossible to prove anything about the future. Repeat as necessary.

The non-believer has nothing to fear on New Year's Eve, 1999 -- unless the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse is Dick Clark. But thanks to the Internet, you can hassle God-fearing Christians without leaving the sanctity of your own ill-kept apartment!

And you don't have to stick to Y2K, either. The Internet gives any asshole the ability to screw with the sanctimonious in myriad ways! Why go to the trouble of plastering their cars with "Pagans have more fun" bumper stickers, or replacing "Teach Creationism" decals with "Teach Masturbation" decals, when you can simply download pictures of Jesus from other Web sites and alter them? Just a smidgen of PhotoShop and Voila! Pass off your own opinions as those of the almighty!

Jesus says: your favorite band sucks!

Jesus is an Oakland Raiders fan.

Jesus' favorite sit-com is Moesha.

You can even publish your own additions to the Ten Commandments. Thou Shalt Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty Of Law. Thou Shalt Not Violate AOL's Terms Of Service. (This latter one puts the fear of God -- or at least Steve Case -- into the hearts of AOLers everywhere!)

Don't forget to submit your pseudo-theological Web site to Yahoo! You can see it listed side-by-side with Ask Pastor Know-It-All and Darwin's Mistake (surprisingly, not a reference to Christians themselves).

I'm a big fan of hassling the religious -- my off-line pastimes include faking miracles and posing as the messiah. But it's just as easy to pull faith-related pranks online!

• Submit fake reviews of the Bible to Amazon.com. If they're being especially lazy, you can pretend to be the author.
• Add fictitious roots to your family tree. Notify the Mormons.
• It's never too late to mock Tammy Faye Bakker.

You might also try proofreading the Pope's Web site. (See if he's really infallible...)

But why stop there? Found your own religion!

Though Martin Luther would've hated the pop-up ads on GeoCities, free Web pages save you the trouble of nailing edicts to the door of the Wittenberg Cathedral. Let the Reformation begin!

The Internet is already brimming with ersatz religions -- from the Church of Bob to the Church of Mentos, and even something called Kibology. Fake religions merge the geek do-it-yourself ethic with an unquestioning faith in technology. After all, what is "technical support" but an unseen force that miraculously restores one's connections to his fellow man?

One Web site went so far as to display an interview with Jesus conducted outside Disneyland, asking him if it really is the happiest place on earth. (Answer: Outside of Mary Magdeline's pants, yeah.) They also offer the Magic 8-Ball of Revelations, providing answers to all your spiritual questions. ("Urinate. If you had on a tight sweater, you'd be a ten.")

A less-humble Webmaster created an AOL homepage for Jesus that's just as lame as anything else on AOL. "Come see My family photos, cool links and even determine the fate of your eternal soul -- on the Web!" it encourages. Employment information is, of course, cheerfully provided. "I work as the messiah for a major world religion -- it's called Christianity." Unfortunately, Jesus' homepage hasn't been updated since 1996. He must've gotten a day job at Stuckey's.

But it was an instructive exercise. Outraged comments poured into Jesus316's mailbag. ("I know he is risen but he does NOT have a homepage!" "Thank God I'm Jewish and we don't have crazy stuff like yours.") But there was one message, signed by the Rev. David E. Johnson at Hope Lutheran Church, who wrote, "Jesus: God does have a sense of humor!"

An Asshole-ish Thing To Do With Guestbooks. Since it's impossible to verify who you really are, sign all your messages "Rev. David E. Johnson, Hope Lutheran Church."

Lou Cabron is GettingIt's resident asshole.

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