There's no fun in being an Internet asshole if you don't see any results from your efforts. Obviously, the result you're looking for is to make somebody really angry, and to do that, you'll have to go where the traffic is. That means you need to familiarize yourself with portals.

A word about portals: "Portal" is just a made-up word from guys in suits eating expensive lunches and living off their stock options. Some simple scripts run cookie cutters across the rest of the Web to create the illusion that there's actually someone paying attention to you. There isn't. It's all automated, dumbshit! The only people out there are a bunch of other unmotivated losers too lazy to find their own maps, calendars and TV listings.

Never has it been so easy to exploit the connectivity of the Internet for your own amusement! Discover doomed losers who are even more antisocial than you! Find out what happens when classified-ad debutantes meet the salt of the earth! And just think how liberating it can be. Normally, people would avoid someone who describes their ideal companion as "a sugardaddy." But it's a recurring theme in an ad from "Kept Companion" in one of Yahoo's recent online classifieds. ("I'm tired of working. The only thing keeping me here is 3 mortgages and a car payment.") Ads like this are made for assholes like you! Others will secretly cheer you for fucking with the golddigger's head.

If you want to see the kind of responses other people are getting, find an ad you like -- then steal it. Post an exact copy under your own name, and watch what happens! And if someone e-mails you asking why someone else has an ad identical to yours, say "Yeah, that bastard!" (Ask Lou for more information about a lucrative career in identity theft.)

Or you can compose mind-fucking ads of your own using somebody else's phone number. For best results, use the number of your local vice squad or convent. Put it on an ad saying something like "Call and tell me what you'd like to do to me." Think of it as your way of finding dates for other people, especially cops and the clergy, who have a hard time finding their own romantic partners.

Useful tips when composing ads: Lie. Give false hope to losers. Stalking can be fun!

When answering someone's online personal ads, asshole fun is just two steps away.

• Demand to see digitized pictures.
• Photoshop their heads onto pornography.

Never actually date these postal portal losers. You've entered the valley of despair, where assholes fear to tread -- a forsaken wasteland populated by nomads, drifters, the overweight, and the already-married. Hey, they're desperate enough to resort to classified ads! There's gotta be a reason for that -- and it's probably not "one too many bad hair days..." If you meet someone who's really, genuinely interested in you -- as a person, as a human being -- follow this simple four-step plan.

• Demand to see pictures of their friends and relatives first.
• Ask to double-date.
• Tell them there's been a horrible misunderstanding: you're gay (or straight, depending on who you're dealing with).
• Photoshop their relatives' heads onto pornography.

You can also gather all the pictures you've collected into a Web page. Install banner ads pointing to other porn sites. Make good money!

Remember, you're part of a new generation -- the digital everyasshole -- pioneering new frontiers of interpersonal mayhem.

Besides -- what did these portals ever do for you?

"5th Precinct, Officer McClusky speaking."
"Um, hello. Luann?"
"No sir. This is the 5th Precinct."
"Is Luann there?"
"No, Luann is off tonight. Can I take a message for her?"
"Yes. Tell her I'd like to lick her toes, shave her hairy legs, then cover her body with maple syrup. [pause] Did you get that?"
"Toes, legs, syrup. We're on it…"
"Thanks."

Lou Cabron is an asshole.