you get when you cross the Infobahn with a trailer park yard sale? eBay,
where money-grubbing flotsam too lazy to haul its ass to Antiques
Roadshow converges on a single Web site to auction worthless trinkets.
Plastic Jesuses! Used tractors! Dirty socks! Face it -- these troglodytes
will sell anything.
Basically, Pierre Omidyar discovered people will bid on anything
if it's displayed online. He was inspired by his wife, Pam, who
said, "If I ever get a tracheotomy, I'm going to take a whole lot
of Pez, so I can dispense it from my neck." No wait -- that was
my friend Andy. Anyway, Pez figures into the story somehow. The
point here is there are now lots of losers to fuck with. Why should
Pierre Omidyar be the only one exploiting them?
maladjusted outcasts would attempt to sell this dross. Usually it's
Web geeks with too much time on their hands: the online equivalent of
bored drifters selling bad homemade crafts. (Think: the kind of self-indulgent
creeps who go to Renaissance Faires in costume.) Stuck at go-nowhere
jobs where the only perk is Web access, they visit eBay -- usually when
someone else thinks they're working. And anything people get unreasonably
sentimental about -- from old copies of Tiger Beat to '60s-era
Barbie dolls -- becomes instant cash.
can you best benefit from an inattentive office manager somewhere in
America unknowingly paying employees to sit in a cube and auction off
the contents of their sock drawers? Sell them cheap crap you made in
your own garage! Remember, they're not plastic heads ripped off one
toy and glued onto another -- they're "Fantasy
Pez Dispensers." You see how it works. Think of it as a swap meet
where all the memorabilia started as half-assed arts-and-crafts projects.
GI Joe in a pink tutu becomes "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Ken." Start the
bidding at $47.00.
things people have sold on eBay:
box of macaroni and cheese
purloined Cool Site of the Year award
on a film script
things to sell on eBay:
witness protection program secret identity
Elton John's knighthood
mini-shampoo bottles that you get in hotels
global village is now a giant thrift shop, scattered across the continent,
where you get to be the junk-broker, the great capitalist-imperialist
exploiting the unwashed masses -- those all-American suckers born every
minute. The moral of this story? There are more chumps out there than
there are stars over Iowa.
Good. It's time to get interactive. Type in words at random. Chances
are someone, somewhere, is selling something stupid that matches it.
Water bong! ("'Jesus is coming! Hide your bong' key ring.") Cleavage!
("Art Deco Cleavage Clip") Y2K! ("LATEX GLOVES-NEW IN BOX--LARGE** Y2K
READY") Asshole! ("Kingdom Scum 'Golden Asshole Legacy' CD.") Just like
the Web geeks, you can while away those lazy hours when you're supposed
to be working by playing "Stump eBay." It's hours of stream-of-consciousness
buying things on eBay can be a losing proposition. As an MSNBC
correspondent recently reported, the site's procedures allow shills
to drive up the price. And on the buyer's side, shills can plant
false high bids, to be retracted at the last minute, to drive
out the competition. (Read: suckers.) There's an obvious lesson
here. If you're looking for high-quality sellers, go to Sotheby's.
on eBay come in all kinds. There are people selling stuff they've stolen
from their co-workers. (Telltale clue: The item's description contains
the line, "before they notice it's missing.") Pranksters troll for losers stupid
enough to bid on a pile of rocks -- and pay shipping and handling.
And junior high school students sell various items from their sisters'
how easy it is. GettingIt Editor-in-Chief R.U. Sirius used eBay
to auction off his soul. "Warning, this soul may be slightly damaged
due to extreme misuse," the description cautioned. "This soul may not
be resold, traded or bartered without the express written consent of
Major League Baseball." The asking price? $4.20. Word traveled across
the Net, drawing enthusiastic responses from around the world. "SORRY
BUT YOUR GAYASS ATEMPT AT A JOKE FAILED RUSIRIUS" read one comment.
Others didn't agree. Within 24 hours, the bounty on RU's soul had risen
to $6 million. Soon the price soared to $10 million ....
wages of sin led to disappointment. Sirius' soul was pulled from the
auction block, labeled "inappropriate" by those capitalism-stifling
bastards at eBay. "my soul is inappropriate?!!!!" R.U. sobbed. "damn,
everything i do is always inappropriate. i'm going to cry..."
Cabron is an asshole.